Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Parmesan Bailout

What do you do with 100,000 wheels of cheese? If you’re Italy, according to Morning Edition today, you buy them from cheese-makers and donate them to charity to help the struggling parmagiano industry. According to Malcolm Gladwell in his latest book Outliers (which I just read since I sneakily gave it to C for her birthday and she kindly loaned it back to me when she was done), one of the ways to measure intelligence that’s not captured in IQ tests is to see how many creative uses people can come up with for everyday objects. So I will try to suggest a few of my own:

  • Build a bigger mousetrap
  • Create a human maze (ala the Wooz), and if people can’t figure out how to get out, they can eat the walls for sustenance
  • Use them as renewable-source tabletops
  • Roll them down highways and track the patterns made by the gravel to see if you need to re-pave the road
  • Stick them over very large bonfires and dip large pieces of toast into them after they melt into a creamy “fondue”
  • Dye some of them red, green, and blue and then place them end to end for a giant game of twister

Feel free to help me out by adding some more!

3 comments:

Mberenis said...

Obama did it for us! There is a bailout for the people. Everyone qualifies. I got $750,000.00USD in grants for my bailout.

Claim your free Bailout Grant

March said...

Uses for 100,000 cheese wheels...

Use the 500 tons it would weigh as a counterweight on the largest trebuchet in the world. Use it to toss grand pianos into geo-stationary orbit.

Extract the phosphorus and use it as a dopant in semi-conductors.

Build two forts of cheese wheels and rain down melty cheese napalm upon one another.

Convert the energy stored within the cheese as calories to power a 60W lightbulb continuously for 3,934 years.

Lay out the wheels to spell 'Humans are awesome' in letters large enough to be seen from space.

Lay out the wheels to spell 'Cheese is awesome' in letters large enough to be seen from space.

Build a stairs (it'll be wobbly) to the top of Mount Everest.

Peel the cheeses, melt down the wax and form the largest birthday candle in the world (50,000lbs heavy).

Feed 890,624 people for a day.

Make 100,000 short people feel better about themselves in their next group photo.

Train 100,000 people to have better posture by balancing a cheese wheel on their heads.

Make many, many delicious yo-yos.

Invent an alternate form of bowling using cheese wheels. Found the 'cheesing world championships'.

Melt the cheese into the form of gigantic sunglasses and make Mt. Rushmore look cool.

Create a 2 million cubic foot moat to stop the raccoons trying to eat your garbage. Bloody raccoons...

Open a competitor to wild waves featuring molten cheese slides. Call it 'Gloopy Waves'.

Create elaborate cheese circles in corn fields to fascinate UFO-oligists and baffle scientists.

Stimulate the extremely large cracker industry.

Replace the tires on every segway ever built.

Build cheese based wave baffles to reduce coastal erosion.

Open a gym filled with 'cheese-bells' and offer complimentary calcium supplementation with every workout.

Turn the 'burning man' festival into the 'tasty fondue for many hippies' festival.

Dam the Columbia river.

Create a 1/5 scale replica of the Great Wall of China in Taiwan.

Foment revolution in North Korea with giant cheese wheel airdrop. Cheeses are covered in pro-democratic slogans.

Paint 1/3 red, 1/3 green and 1/3 blue on one side. Paint the other side black. Mount each wheel on an independent vertical rotating central axis. Attach hydraulic pumps to each axis to allow a 180 rotation per activation of the pump. Create a 25,000 foot high screen with a resolution of 376 x 282. Play space invaders on it and power it with your own awesomeness.

SabraGirl said...

March, I think you've found a topic for a blog of your very own. Wow.